We are super-excited to have Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Joyce McKay on the Route1520 blog! Joyce practices at Covenant Counseling in Birmingham and is a leading voice in sexual addiction recovery. Joyce’s contact information is listed below with her complete bio.

The journey through sexual addiction (SA) recovery has some different considerations and hurdles when same-sex attraction (SSA) is part of the picture. While shame, secrecy, and health concerns may exist in all forms of SA, for those struggling with SSA, these dynamics carry even greater weight and fear. If the struggler is married and has a family, or is known as a leader in the church, yet another layer of difficulty exists.

In his book, Out of the Shadows, Patrick Carnes identifies four core beliefs that all sex addicts tend to have. Those four beliefs are:

1. Self-Image – I am basically a bad, unworthy person.
2. Relationships – No one would love me as I am.
3. Needs – My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend upon others.
4. Sexuality – Sex is my most important need.

The addict engaged in SSA will also hold these same beliefs. In addition to these elements, which are common among all types of sexual addicts, men who wrestle with SSA characteristically experience some level of fear of men, while women will often experience disdain for and contempt of women. To the average person, this principle seems incongruent, since seeking sexual and/or romantic encounters with their same sex appears to indicate that the person has great desire for their particular gender. In reality, men who experience SSA frequently hold a fifth core belief: “I am not equivalent to and would not be accepted by other men.” The fifth core belief held by women who experience SSA is, “Women are weak and being weak is not safe.”

What does this mean for those involved in SSA who are seeking help to recover from SA? For one thing, it increases the resistance related to attending a same-sex dominated recovery group or disclosing to a sponsor and support people.

Characteristically, all people wrestling with addictions, including sexual addiction, are hesitant to and fearful of going to their first 12-step group, Route1520 group, Celebrate Recovery group, or L.I.F.E. group. The worry that they would be judged or shamed is powerful (remember the core beliefs?), but when the 5th core belief is added to the picture the resistance can truly feel insurmountable. The need for unconditional acceptance is huge and the belief that it does not exist for them sometimes permeates the belief system of people caught in SSA. In addition, the definition of unconditional acceptance often gets skewed into absolute approval, meaning that they should never be told “no.”

As is commonly known, addictions are a way of medicating pain. Having a desire denied in any form often translates into pain for addicts and codependents. Hearing “no” as simply a preference on the part of the speaker or a way in which the speaker is taking care of his or her own personal needs seems like a foreign language to many addicts, and particularly to those whose drug of choice (DOC) is SSA. The concept that “no” may even be a way of expressing love and respect for the person making the request vs. a personal rejection of that request-maker is often incomprehensible. It is a very difficult, but important, perspective to achieve. Once accomplished, however, an entire new world of hope and a vista of possibilities open up, so that it is worth the struggle required in making the paradigm shift.

As icing on the cake, once a person has yielded to the risks of getting involved in the recovery community and has begun the recovery work, typically an entire new sense of connection, and a before unimaginable intimacy develops, which is deeply fulfilling and does much to rout the old addictions. How much more true this is for the individual coming from an SSA focus. To find such acceptance and connection with people of the same gender truly is like being born again!

Joyce McKay (M.Ed., Ed.S., CSAT-S, NCC, LPC) works with Covenant Counseling and Education Center as a private practice mental health therapist.  She also has taught Master’s and Ed.S counseling students at UAB.

Joyce holds two Bachelor’s degrees, one in Occupational Therapy (which allows her the benefit of viewing clients from a holistic perspective) and the other in Spanish, and a Master’s degree in Counseling.  After her Master’s degree she earned an Education.S in Counselor Education from The University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa, and has completed 6 years post master’s course work.

Joyce has done formal counseling since 1979 and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors(NCC).  She is also a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT) and has been a certified group psychotherapist (CGP).  She has extensive experience in working with sexual abuse and sexual addictions issues, gender identity issues, grief issues, depression, and personality disorders- particularly borderline personality.  Past Board Member – Alabama Board of Examiners in Counseling (5-1/2 years).

If you would like to contact Joyce, please email her at joyce@lifefromdecay.com.