Currently viewing the tag: "Recovery"

Grace Graphics

On June 9, 2010 By Traylor Lovvorn

Here are a few new badges to help us spread the word about Route1520 and the recovery movement that is currently underway. Please feel free to grab any of these that you like, post them to your site, and link back to us here at www.route1520.com. The code is available at the end of this post.

To post any of these badges on your blog or website, follow these instructions for the HTML code:

Decide which badge you want and hold your mouse over it until the filename appears.
Substitute the name of the badge that you want with “FILENAME” in the following code:
<a href= “http://www.route1520.com” target=”blank”><img src=”http://route1520.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/FILENAME.jpg” border=”0″/></a>
For example: If you wanted the first graphic that says “grace”, this is what your code would look like:
<a href= “http://www.route1520.com” target=”blank”><img src=”http://74.220.207.145/~routeon1/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/grace21.jpg” border=”0″/></a>

Please let us know where you post these badges! Thanks in advance for helping us get the word out! If you have ideas about more badges, send them our way!

Stats on Internet Pornography

On June 3, 2010 By Traylor Lovvorn

As startling and eye-opening as these statistics are, they don’t accurately reflect what is actually going on when it comes to pornography on the Internet. Frankly, so many new adult-related sites are going online daily that it is almost impossible to accurately keep track of them all.

Via: Online MBA

At Route1520, we see the effects of these statistics daily as we journey alongside men and women whose lives have been shattered by pornography and sexual addiction.

Join us in offering hope and recovery to those whose lives have been wrecked by this addiction.

Outer Circle

On January 18, 2011 By Traylor Lovvorn

Inner Circle Middle Circle Outer Circle

Outer Circle

Outer-circle behaviors encompass a wide range of healthy activities. They are frequently the things that the sex addict didn’t have time to do when he was acting out.

Just as there was no question that the behaviors listed in our Inner Circle were compulsive, addictive, and therefore dangerous and destructive, so there is no question that the behaviors we list in our “Outer Circle” bring recovery and are to be encouraged, praised and practiced.

That is to say that healthy sexual behaviors are behaviors we choose because they enhance our life, our recovery, and our spiritual connection.

Examples of behaviors that some people place in their Outer Circle are:

working the 12 steps
calling a friend
personal devotions
journaling
rediscovering hobbies, starting a new hobby
playing sports and physical exercise
spending time with friends and family
socializing and making new friends in a safe environment
volunteering our time to a cause we believe in
engaging in any other activities which make our lives more enjoyable and meaningful
being sexual within a committed relationship – honoring the bond of love that you and your partner have built,
enjoying affectionate touch
taking a dance class
wearing beautiful clothing,
taking a bath
developing nonsexual relationships with people
developing new healthy interests
sharing our recovery with other recovering sex addicts
healthy sexuality
spending time in nature
serving others

In short, we want to be gentle with ourselves—to practice behaviors which are self-nurturing. These Outer Circle behaviors are clearly the antithesis of our old way of life, and it is the practice of these actions which will lift our obsessions and compulsions and bring us serenity and joy. Once again, it is important to actually write these down on paper, listing them in an Outer Circle which is drawn around the Inner Circle.

Example1

playing my guitar,
journaling,
exercising,
attending meetings,
working the steps,
having a healthy sex life with my partner,
maintaining rigorous honesty with others (especially with my sponsor and my partner),
going to the movies and theatre, entertaining friends at my home

Example2

Tools of the program: meetings, the telephone, sponsorship, literature, working the steps, prayer and meditation, working on my plan, abstention (partial or total), socializing, dating, saying the slogans, service, writing
gainful employment, volunteering, exercise, taking walks, reading, spending time with appropriate people, sleeping, eating, breathing, going to therapy sessions (group and individual), attending theater and movies alone or with appropriate people, non-sexual massage, haircuts, seeing doctors/dentists, taking detoxification treatments, going on retreats, romantic and/or sexual behavior with someone in a mature, mutually nurturing and appropriate way

Example3

Healthy people = People who want to help you recover and help you to maintain your recovery and sobriety, and allow you to do the same with them.

keep in conscious contact with God through prayer and study of Scripture and recovery readings;
write my feelings in my journal to keep in touch with myself;
keep in conscious and healthy contact with recovery partners and others. If a conversation leaves me feeling unhealthy, I can walk away from that scene and seek out someone who IS healthy;
eat if I’m hungry, talk to someone healthy if I’m angry or stressed, find a hobby or help someone else if I am lonely, and go to bed to sleep if I am tired;
go to meetings, boards, and any other recovery “meetings” as much as possible;
if I feel like isolating, do a healthy thing that will take me out of myself. It may be calling someone in recovery, it may be going out with friends, or it may be going out to do something new and/or social;
give the computer a rest sometime and pick up a good book or watch a good movie instead;

if I am feeling like I am in an uneasy space for any reason, accept it, let the feelings pass, and do something that is kind to yourself that is not sexual that allows for a sense of accomplishment. It could be housework, it could be going for a walk, or it could be taking a bubble bath or spending time with a healthy friend or doing service work;
if a person I desire to be in relationship with is in a “committed relationship” with someone else, the loving thing to do is to respect their commitment and back off. A “committed relationship” is any relationship where one is in an engagement, marriage, or marriage type situation with another;
in relationships, whenever the need for a sexual boundary arises, define boundaries as to what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and let my partner(s) know. If it feels “ick,” feel free to say so, declare a boundary and honor it, and ask that my partner(s) honor my boundary. If something is right, feel free to reinforce and nourish it, and let my partner(s) know it’s ok;
read my sexual history as needed to remind me of my need for recovery

12 Steps

On January 18, 2011 By Traylor Lovvorn

Twelve Steps

We admitted we were powerless over our compulsive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.

What is Sex Addiction?

On January 20, 2010 By Traylor Lovvorn

Dr. Patrick Carnes defines addiction as having a pathological relationship with a mood altering chemical or behavior. Simply stated, sexual addiction is the lack of control of some sexual behavior or relationship. Perhaps the most helpful definition is a practical one: sexual behavior that has a negative effect on one’s life.

Like with alcohol or drugs, sex addiction fits the classic, four-component model of what comprises an addiction:

Compulsivity- The loss of control over a behavior. An addict continues in the behavior or relationship despite repeated attempts to stop.
Continuation despite negative consequences.
Preoccupation or obsession.
Tolerance- More of the same behavior or an escalation of progressive behaviors is required to get the same “high”.

About

On January 18, 2010 By Traylor Lovvorn

We are about grace. Scandalous grace.

Genesis chapter 3 describes mankind’s dilemma after the Fall and our need for recovery. This same chapter also clearly communicates God’s plan to redeem man to Himself through the Gospel.

Route1520 is built on the firm belief that individuals cannot change through mere willpower or simply learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We believe that change takes place in community as we take the Gospel of Jesus Christ more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. This process is a journey and not a quick-fix formula.

Our Name

Route1520 gets its name from the passage in Luke 15:20 where Luke records,

“And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off,
his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and
kissed him.”

The well-known Parable of the Two Sons provides the backdrop that we use to clearly communicate God’s scandalous love for His children and also the two primary ways our unbelief shows up: through legalism and licentiousness. Our ministry, like Jesus’ parable, seeks to demonstrate that both the irreligious and the religious life-paths are dead ends and that a new route is needed altogether. Like the two brothers in the parable, we also resent our Father’s authority and seek ways of getting out from under it. Some rebel by being very bad and others rebel by being extremely good. The result is the same…we need recovery and a radical encounter with the Gospel.

Route1520 seeks to:

Come alongside the local church as a trusted resource in ministering to individuals or couples who have been or are being impacted by pornography and sex addiction.
Help strugglers and their families discover the freedom offered by the Gospel.
Continually multiply the ministry by discipling individuals and establishing new Recovery Groups.
Help individuals grow in their love for God and others.
Exalt the true Gospel while exposing the unbelief of both elder brother and younger brother hearts.
Create a culture of authenticity and transparency where individuals can be free to connect at weakness and not feel the need to impress with strength.

Middle Circle

On January 18, 2011 By Traylor Lovvorn

Inner Circle Middle Circle Outer Circle

Middle Circle

We have found that much of our shame is rooted in a kind of merciless perfectionism. Because we are human, we invariably fall short of our lofty ideals, and then sink into a destructive cycle of self-condemnation, shame and eventually, acting out in our Inner Circle.

Such all or nothing thinking permeates our lives and is the source of much pain and confusion. Many in our program have found recovery only by freeing our minds from the shackles of moralistic perfectionism, learning to embrace our common humanity and avoiding extremes. After all, we are neither gods nor devils, but perpetually imperfect human beings.

The Middle Circle is where we place behavior of which we are uncertain. Recognizing that we come into this program resentful, afraid and confused about our sexuality, we know it is not [possible] to go from Inner to Outer Circle overnight. While the Inner Circle refers to behaviors which keep us in permanent isolation and fantasy, the Outer Circle refers to behaviors which help us move out into the real world.

We are all humans and ours is a program of progress, not perfection. We are trying to move towards a sane sexual ideal, but we have found that one does not rise from the gutter to the heavens in one amazing leap. We do not always know what is good for us and what isn’t, nor are we always willing to do the absolute best thing—thus the need for a “Middle Circle” in which we place those sexual behaviors which fall neither in the category of demoralizing addictions from which we absolutely must abstain, nor in the category of ideal behavior. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines, and to abstain from some behavior(s). Herein lie the gray areas which, in our black and white thinking, we have refused to live with all our lives.

Within the Middle Circle, however, there are some behaviors which if not addressed will eventually lead us back to our Inner Circle. We call these “boundary behaviors.” Some examples of actions which may be defined as boundary behaviors are: cruising for prostitutes or for a place to practice voyeurism, acting seductively in an inappropriate situation or contacting an old acting out partner in order to renew an addictive sexual relationship. Crossing a boundary is engaging in a ritual or slippery behavior that may result in acting out. Engaging in boundary behaviors does not change our sobriety date, but because we recognize that our sobriety is jeopardized, we take action to re-connect with the program. If we find that we are engaging in boundary behaviors, we need to respond in a healthy way to take care of ourselves, lest we cross into Inner Circle behaviors.

There are several things we can do:

tell another member of the group,
tell our sponsor,
read recovery literature
attend a recovery meeting and talk about our behaviors.

Being accountable and reaching out takes away the shame and the feelings of helplessness. It may be hard for us to admit that we have crossed a boundary, but it is just this type of honesty that heals us and allows us not to drift toward destruction.

As we gain sobriety by having clear boundaries and working our program, it becomes much easier to stay sober and to truly enjoy recovery. As time goes on, and as we work the 12 steps of recovery and grow in our participation in meetings and service, our compulsions and obsessions are progressively lifted. We may then find that behaviors which were acceptable for us when we were new must now be put into the Inner Circle.

Example1

Isolation and secretiveness toward the people who care for me, especially recovery people.
Not acknowledging my emotional, spiritual, physical or mental needs to another in relationship to self and to another.
Feeling the need to use sex purely as a “drug” to avoid feelings, instead of a way of expressing love to another or myself.
Feeling the need to cross the boundary of those in committed relationships to get my “forbidden fruit” fix.

Example 2

Isolation from people, especially recovery people.
Lingering in euphoric recall or dreams of acting out situations (fantasy or real) or of acting out partners.
Being near others who are trying to engage me in flirting with them.

Example 3

Stress at work or at home.
Dealing with recovery issues.
Dealing with family of origin issues.
Women/girls of any age (visual/mental obsessing/euphoric recall).
Away from home, off schedule, not in control of my time.
Surfing TV channels known for borderline sexual content

Three Circles

On January 18, 2011 By Traylor Lovvorn

The Three Circles is a simple tool we use to define our sobriety for ourselves—to define what a healthy sexuality for ourselves can mean.

We think through all our behaviors and organize them according to whether they are addictive (inner circle), healthy (outer circle) or somewhere in between (middle circle). It’s not always easy to tell if something should be in the inner circle or not. Typically, inner circle behaviors are those that:

You can’t stop when you want to
You keep secret
Would have negative consequences in your life if revealed
You use to numb yourself from difficult feelings
Lack any real intimacy or respect

Why don’t you try it for yourself? List specific behaviors and categorize them as follows:

Inner circle - Compulsive sexual behaviors from which we choose to abstain completely.

Middle circle - Behaviors which are much less destructive and weaker in intensity. They cause us much less of a problem but tend to lead us back to the inner circle. You can also put behaviors about which you are unsure in this category.

Outer circle - Things we do which enhance our lives and our recovery, that keep us engaged with others and with reality rather than isolated and in a fantasy world.

Remember, your circles will change as you learn more about your behaviors during your recovery.

An example

Inner circle

Anonymous sex

Pornography (internet, magazines, DVDs, videos)

Written erotica

Infidelity (including kissing & touching)

Middle circle

Using the internet

Drinking alcohol

Masturbation by self

Outer circle

Sexual intimacy with spouse

Meeting friends

Attending recovery meetings

Spending time with partner

Playing football

Our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober, to abstain from sexually compulsive behavior, and to carry the message to the sex addict who still suffers. Recovery begins with abstinence from one of more specific sexual compulsions. Having said that, the question arises: How do we define “abstinence” or “sexual sobriety?”

The idea of abstinence is based upon analogy with Overeaters Anonymous. Just as the compulsive overeater does not have to totally give up food, but needs to learn a new approach to food which is non-destructive and non-compulsive, so the sex addict needs to learn a new approach to sex which is non-compulsive and non-destructive.

The idea of sexual sobriety is rooted in the heritage of Alcoholics Anonymous which continually reinforces the idea to the addict that it is the “first drink” which gets them “drunk.” That first drink begins the “phenomenon of craving” which inevitably activates further self-destruction. Similarly our “Inner Circle” when dealing with sex addiction consists of that behavior which we deem equivalent to the first “drink.”

Unlike the alcoholic who, however, must simply “put the plug in the jug,” and practice total abstinence from alcohol, most of us have no desire to plug up our sexuality and become totally celibate. It is not sex in and of itself that causes us problems. It is the various ways we misuse certain kinds of sex that causes us to get drunk.

Each of us needs to carefully consider which sexual behaviors we are powerless over; which sexual acts lead to feelings of demoralization. These are the addictive behaviors from which we will want to abstain. There are sexual behaviors which are acceptable or even experienced with a sense of gratitude and enjoyment. Therefore, our program acknowledges each individual’s dignity to choose his or her own concept of healthy sexuality.

Sexual addiction is cunning and baffling. For too long, most of us found it familiar, almost comfortable, to remain in the cycle of acting out, feeling demoralized, swearing off, and then acting out again. We know from painful experience that it is easy to fool ourselves [through addictive thinking] if that is what we really want to do. How then do we know if we have drawn a functional Middle Circle or if we are simply deluding ourselves? After all, our “best thinking” got us here in the first place.

Our experience is that if we are rigorously honest with ourselves about our Middle Circle behavior, we will choose not to deceive ourselves into practicing Inner Circle behavior. In order to stay honest about this, it is necessary to share our program with others. We cannot keep our behaviors hidden.

Ultimately, our definition of sobriety is our own, but if we define our program of recovery in isolation, our self-made programs may deceive us, becoming too loose or too restrictive. We write down our recovery program using the three Circles as a way to gain clarity. We share our program so that we can gain a balanced recovery and we do this by directly showing out three Circles to our sponsor and the people in our group. Without this clarity we can continue to act out, because we are confused about what sobriety is for us.

[It is the] prerogative and privilege [of each of us] to experience his or her own mistakes and joyful successes. From these we discover what we can and cannot do sexually, and progress along the road to a sane and non-addictive sex life. We believe such a sex life can, “by the grace of God,” be enjoyed by all of us, married or single, straight or gay. Obtaining and maintaining abstinence from Inner Circle compulsions is the bedrock foundation of all the personal growth which will surely follow.

Based on SA Pamphlet “Three Circles”

Audio

On January 20, 2010 By Traylor Lovvorn

Messages

Traylor and Melody sharing their story at Roopville Road Baptist Church.
Our Divorce Didn’t Work Out, Part 1